Why Losing a Friendship Hurts Way More Than a Relationship
We expect relationships to end, not friendships.
I was the lonesome girl, an introvert, a person with very few friends, so to have a best friend was extra challenging for me. My biggest desire was to find a place where I belong; when I watched movies and saw that every girl, boy, or grown-up had their best friends with them, only provoked my jealousy.
I wanted to have a best friend for so long. In my last year of high school, I met this incredible girl; we shared the same sense of humor; we both liked an older boy, not the same one. Both of these guys had a girlfriend, so they were unreachable, but we wanted them anyway. That illusion brought us together; after that, we started to support each other. By that time, I had developed better social skills, yet my trusting issues were still present. But I felt a strong connection with her; we were together all the time, after school, sleepovers, we became part of each other’s family. And I fell for it. I called her my best friend. I have never said that to anyone, and it felt fantastic to hear her say it back.
Nothing changed after that; I only felt I had someone I could rely on for the rest of my life and how lucky I was to have found her.
We graduated, she went to a different university than I did. However, we were still close; we were present for the essential moments and most weekends because we were adapting to a new life and new friends. Until, after my first break up with a boyfriend, I found out that she was telling him all my moves and laughing with him about how bad I was after the split.
I honestly felt worst than breaking up with that boyfriend. I didn’t see that coming.
I confronted her, disappointed, yet still wanting to hear a good reason why she did that, and her answer was: I can’t change what I did. So, another kick in the butt. I refused to lose her. I tried to talk to her, mails, settling appointments to see her, and she never answered back. This relationship ended, and I didn’t know.
I felt more alone than ever, realized I was never a part of anything.
How can one recover from something like that? We hear about breakups and do’s and don’t’s, studies about love, communication, and how to’s about romance, but a friendship it’s something we assume it’s forever. It’s an unbreakable bond, so there is no reason to talk about it.
We receive plenty of comments about starting a relationship; there is a society's pressure to find a romance. Still, no one pressures anyone to find a best friend, to be ready to receive that important person in your life. Hopefully, one that stays.
Some parents tend to create a friendly bond with their sons and daughters to have a deeper connection and trustful communication with them because being someone else’s friend matter.
My friend, Valeria, was there to comfort me. I have met her a few years back, but she lives in another city than me, so I never saw her presence. Even though our friendship improved as the years went by, we shared more intimacies, pouring more trust in the relationship. It was invisible, and I didn’t see it because she was away. I felt how the bond was getting stronger, but I refused to call her my best friend because of my experience; I didn’t want to lose her; I didn’t want to jinx it.
As we grew up, we would only see each other once a year because it wasn’t easy to travel; we had to organize our entire year to find the best time to visit. The best quality this friendship has ever given me is the power to be present from afar; I have become a better friend to her and all my friends who are away.
This year was our 11th year of friendship, still apart, but very present. Vale called me on my birthday; we have this habit of phoning each other only when the day is about to end, so she called and wished me a happy birthday after dinner with the family. Before she hung up, she said: You’re my best friend. And I said it back.
I will never take her for granted; we know how blessed we are to have found each other. I wish everybody could find a best friend in their lives because the assumption of a friendship being forever it’s beautiful. One should hang on to that. It’s going to happen.
This is us on our first trip together. Yes, after ten years of friendship.
I wanted to finish this article with a perspective of how much importance we give to romantic relationships and not too much to friendships. But to have a better idea of the topic, I wanted to hear what other people say about their friendships.
So I found these interviews that made me value Valeria as the good friend she is and added significance to our friendship by recognizing that we are women, and that is something else.
A friendship between two women is different from a friendship between two men or between a man and a woman. By the way, I do believe that a man and a woman can be friends. We like to share, feel understood, asking for help; we need a shoulder to cry, someone to talk to, someone who knows things we don’t and know that they will be there for us, and we will be there for them because that is our beautiful nature.
This one melted me. It shows what friendships are from theory to practice.
As well as Michelle Obama’s Podcast:
And, of course, the most famous friendships of all:
“I never needed therapy because I have you as my friend.”
Te quiero mucho, Valeria Mc Millan
